Backwards Falling
by AtelophobiaAchluophilia
Summary: Severus attends Draco's graduation ceremony and sees an old friend. The evening might hold more than just friendly conversation and reminiscing.
1. 1

When I'd accepted the invitation to Draco's graduation ceremony, I'd had no intention of spending the evening fooling around with the ghost of my past. Having had too many one night stands and fruitless relationships, I was sick of love and unsatisfying nights wasted at the bar. But looking at _him_ was making it hard to remember all that heartache…. even though he'd been a part of it. I had been so scared to come back to Hogwarts High School for the Gifted, back to my past. Now all I wanted to do was go home before I made a complete and total fool of myself. I was dumb to think I wouldn't see anyone I knew here. Surely those who graduated with me would wish to send their children to the best school in England! AS soon as I walked through the door, there was a squeal and I was suddenly wrapped in a hug.

"Severus! It's been so long! How have you been?" a voice asked.

"Charity?" I said in shock as I looked down at her. She smiled at me and let go. "You look good."

She gave me a twirl, as if she were still a teenage girl and not a grown woman. "Thank you. You always were polite, weren't you? What are you doing here? I didn't think you had children…."

"I don't. It's Draco's graduation and Narcissa asked me to come."

"That's sweet. What have you done with your life- still aspiring to be a novelist?" she asked.

"I'm a high school chemistry teacher, actually," _and erotic porn writer,_ I added silently.

She stared at me in disbelief. "Teaching? Really? You don't seem the type!" She laughed.

At that moment I spotted Narcissa and Draco across the room. "If you'll excuse me," I said to Charity before making my way over to them.

Narcissa was fussing with Draco's green cap and gown while he complained loudly. "It's _fine_ , Mother! Everyone will be too far away to notice if it's a bit crooked!"

"That might be, but I'm sure you'll catch it in the pictures later," I said, placing my hand on Narcissa's shoulder. Draco brightened when he saw me, but Narcissa jumped.

"Severus!" she exclaimed, "You scared me!"

"Hello, Draco, Narcissa." I said.

"You cut your hair?" Draco asked, slapping his mother's hand away from his collar. "How come?"

I ran my hand through my now short hair. I used to have long, greasy black hair, but I had chopped most of it off in the hopes that I might be less easily recognized. The hairdresser had looked at me like I was crazy when I told her to get rid of all of it. Instead, she had cut the sides short, but left the middle a little longer so I could easily style it.

"Draco dear, sometimes people need to look like adults," Narcissa joked. I frowned, and she punched my arm lightly. Draco ignored her, instead dashing off to get someone he said I had to meet. It didn't take long before he was lost in the crowd. Sissy sighed.

"He was so excited when you said you were coming. All year he's been talking nonstop about a boy he wants you to meet."

I cocked an eyebrow. "A boy?"

Sissy nodded. "Yeah. Apparently they used to be rivals of sorts, but they've become quite good friends. If you ask me," she leaned in closer to me, as if she was going to share a secret. Though she couldn't whisper due to all of the noise, she tried.

"What?" I asked. She rolled her eyes at me. "I said, I think they're boyfriends!"

"And why would you say that?" I asked.

She looked past me and smiled. "Oh," she said, "just a motherly feeling."

I turned around to see Draco hurrying over with a slightly shorter, black haired boy hot on his heels. When they reached us, I gave the boy a quick once-over. He was fairer skinned, with dark, unkept black hair. A pair of round, wire framed glasses sat perched on his long, delicate nose. It was too obvious to me who this boy was; he looked almost exactly like his father. A Potter.

"Severus! This is my friend, Harry." Draco said, smiling at the boy beside him.

 _Harry, huh?_

I had heard of the tragedy 17 years earlier. James and Lilly had perished when their house caught fire one evening. Firemen had managed to save their son before the whole structure had collapsed. By the time the fire had gone out, there was nothing left of the couple or their beautiful suburban home. Everything was lost; except Harry. There was no explanation for what had happened. Foul play was suspected due to an eyewitness account saying there had been a man in the backyard. He had supposedly been carrying a very bulky object, assumed to be a gasoline can from the description. The man they apprehended for the alleged murder was James' friend, Sirius Black. He was tried and sent to prison for twelve years before he escaped. He had come after Harry, hid godson, who helped prove his innocence.

Harry smiled and held out his hand for me to shake. "Harry Potter, sir."

 _Huh. He's quite polite…. That was unexpected, considering he's James' son. But then again, he's also Lilly's._ "Good to meet you," I said, taking his hand. "I've heard that Draco talks about you quite a bit."

Harry's face flushed. "Really?"

I tried to hide my amusement of the awkwardness as he shifted from foot to foot. He looked up at me after a while.

"Draco says you knew my parents."

 _Did he tell you how?_ "Yes. I didn't know your father very well, but Lilly and I were close."

He sat there awkwardly before blurting, "What was she like?"

I smiled at him a bit sadly. "She was a very bright student. She could charm anyone with her quick wit, and she had a flair for sarcasm. She was always friendly, and as I recall, shamed countless bullies around the school with her kindness. She was the kindest person I'd ever met."

Harry looked down at his feet and Draco sent me a worried look. He placed a hand on Harry's back comfortingly.

"I can see her in you," I said. I didn't know how much was too much for him to handle. It seemed that his parents were a sore spot for Harry, and I didn't want to push him. I chose my words as carefully as I could. "You look a lot like your father, but you have your mother's kindness. I can see it in your eyes. She would be proud of you."

Harry's shoulders began to shake. I was suddenly worried I had crossed a line and said something I shouldn't have, but he looked up at me and smiled through the tears in his eyes.

"Thank you," he whispered before he turned to Draco, who wrapped him in a tight hug.

Definitely boyfriends. I glanced over at Narcissa and noticed she was crying too.

After a few moments, Harry pushed Draco back. "I should go. Sirius will be looking for me."

I flinched, looking past the boys. "I think he's found you, actually."

They both turned to where I was pointing. Sirius was making his way through the crowd, all swagger and cocky smile. His face was weathered and his hair a bit grayer than it should have been for a man of only thirty years. Someone hurried along behind him… someone who looked vaguely familiar…

"Harry! What have I told you about running off like that? It's too easy for me to lose you in a crowd like this!" Sirius said as he and his companion strode up and joined us.

Harry blushed slightly. "Sorry. I had to meet someone." He gestured to me, and I felt myself tense.

Sirius narrowed his eyes and studied me for a minute. "Snape?"

 _Oh please, no!_ I swallowed. "I'm surprised you recognized me after all these years." _And I kind of wish you hadn't._

"How could I forget you? You were my old rival!"

 _You mean punching bag._ And just to prove the thought, he punched my arm harder than what could be considered friendly…. or necessary.

"You made my school days so interesting." He smiled maliciously at me before he said, "I've got someone I'm sure you're anxious to see again. You remember Mooney, don't you? You two were always friendly."

I felt myself pale and my knees went weak. _NO. Not him, please not him!_ But as I looked at the figure beside Sirius, I knew immediately who it was. It was impossible to forget him; I knew because I had tried everything.

I had hoped to never see his face again, but here he was, right in front of me, almost exactly as I remembered. Dark blond hair, bright blue eyes. Tall, lean, and absolutely beautiful.

I swallowed. "Remus."


	2. 2

_We had never run in the same circles at school, though he had become the closest to me from the Marauders, as they had called themselves. They were a group of tricksters and bullies consisting of James Potter, Sirius Black, and unfortunately Remus Lupin. There was also a boy by the name of Peter Pettigrew, but he had been more like a groupie than an actual Marauder. I was their favorite victim in high school. They would trip me, bump my books and papers out of my hands, and shove me in lockers and closets. They pulled my hair and insulted me and my family. They would drag me to the unused boy's bathroom and beat me up. The only one I never had to deal with was Remus. That never registered, because he was always with them after school or in between classes._

 _In Junior year, Remus and I got assigned as Chemistry partners. I had begged the teacher to put me with somebody- anybody else, but he refused. So when we worked together I made a point to let him know I hated him. I purposely messed up our experiments and formulas, not caring how much it would affect my grade, just hoping he would fail. I never spoke to him, although I did a lot of glaring and sneering at him when he sat next to me or tried to strike up a conversation. Eventually he stopped trying to talk to me about anything but the task at hand but I refused to listen, obviously ignored him completely, and generally made an ass of myself. A few months into my abuse and he snapped._

 _"_ _What is wrong with you?" he yelled, running in front of me, keeping me from walking away from him. We were alone in a park. No one came here anymore, and it was littered with garbage and graffiti. He had followed me after school as I was walking home and had been talking to me about something. I wasn't really listening, and he knew it._

 _"_ _I don't know what you're talking about," I sneered at him, trying to move around him._

 _His face flushed with anger and he put out his arm to stop me again. "Yes you do! Look, you have a right to hate my friends for everything they've done to you, but not me. I have never, not once lifted a finger to help them."_

 _"_ _Yeah, and you've never, not once," I mocked. "lifted a finger to help me! I have a 'right' to hate you just as much as them!"_

 _"_ _I'm not like them!"_

 _"_ _Sure. Now if you'll excuse me-"_

 _"_ _No," he interrupted. "My grade had dropped considerably and it's your fault. What is it going to take for you to stop messing with my work?"_

 _"_ _Why don't you tell your friends to back the fuck off? I have enough to deal with without them making my school life hell!" I said, clenching my fists at my sides._

 _"_ _Deal. Now will you stop being such a jerk to me?"_

 _I snorted. "You wish. You're gonna have to earn that. Can I go home now?"_

 _He removed himself from my path. "Yeah. I'll work on Sirius and James, I promise. Oh, and Severus?" he said as I started walking away._

 _"_ _What?" I asked with as much annoyance as I could muster._

 _He looked down. "You're right about me not helping you. It's just that they've always been there for me, so it's hard to object them. It was wrong of me to allow them to hurt you. I'm sorry. See you tomorrow." And with that, he rushed off as quickly as he could._

 _Remus was true to his word. The few weeks after our agreement, I noticed I was bullied less. Although the Marauders didn't stop harassing me completely, their jeers were reduced considerably. I did stop being rude to Remus for the most part, despite what I had told him. His apology had taken me by surprise and I realized it was sincere. I was still sarcastic, but he seemed happy that I was at least talking to him now. I started to enjoy working with him during chemistry. I hadn't met somebody who could keep up with me, and it was refreshing to be able to have someone who could! We started to talk more and more, and I got to know him a bit better. I realized he was extremely gentle and kind, much to my surprise. He was also a little shy and reserved. It struck me as odd that he even associated with the likes of James and Sirius._

 _He intrigued me. I found myself liking him and my self-imposed hate of him slipped away without me noticing something had changed. Then one day, I made an off-hand comment to him about his chemistry work._

 _"_ _You know, you're pretty good at this."_

 _He seemed a little self-conscious as he replied, "Thanks. I try hard, but it seems to come to you quite naturally. Honestly, I'm a bit jealous!"_

 _I shrugged. "Not really; I just like mixing things." I stopped in front of my next class. "You're not bad. In fact, I need to apologize for the way I treated you before."_

 _Remus looked at me, surprised. "You're apologizing?"_

 _I nodded._

 _"_ _You're being nice," he said a bit nervously._

 _"_ _Am I? I hadn't noticed…" I replied awkwardly. He smiled at me and I felt the air leave my lungs. I hadn't seen him smile before. I couldn't help myself from smiling back._

 _"_ _Well, I have to get to English. See you, Severus!" he said, waving as he walked off. I watched him go, before stepping through the door to Trigonometry._

 _After that, we began to spend time with each other outside of school. To me, it didn't matter if we were studying or catching a movie. I simply enjoyed being with him. I introduced him to Lilly and they took to each other instantly. She came along with us, and the three of us settled into a friendly relationship. I was still getting to know Remus and I realized he had complications. I had thought he was so simple at first, now I knew I was wrong. He smiled so easily, but it wasn't always because he was happy. He loved to give his all, no matter what he was doing or even if he hated it. But he acted different when he was with the Marauders. It was subtle, but it was like he didn't have control of anything. He seemed more anxious._

 _"_ _You know, sometimes I don't think I fit in with James and Sirius," he said. We had gone out for burgers one day after school, because neither of us had wanted to go home. Lilly had to, because she was going to visit family for the weekend, so it was just the two of us._

 _I raised an eyebrow as I took a fry and popped it in my mouth. "Okay….?"_

 _"_ _I just…. Well, I don't know. We're just so different! I'm really not one for tricks or practical jokes. I feel so out of place when I'm with them and they're having fun; especially when it's at someone else's expense." He frowned and began picking seeds off of the bun of his cheeseburger absentmindedly. He looked upset._

 _"_ _Hey," I said gently. "That's fine. You don't have to agree with everything they say or do. In fact, I think it's better that you don't." I tried to keep the anger out of my voice. "You're different from them, but so what? You can still be their friend. You're a great person and they need you. Probably more than they'd like to admit._

 _He smiled slightly. "Thanks, Severus." We sat quietly for a while, just munching on our ordered food. Then he said, "Do you have a nickname?"_

 _I shook my head. "I've never needed one. The only person who talked to me before was Lilly, and she called me Severus. Everyone else calls me by my last name, Snape."_

 _"_ _Can I give you one?"_

 _I shrugged. "As long as it's not embarrassing or whatever."_

 _He smiled. "How about Grumpy? Like from Snow White and the Seven Dwarves!"_

 _I frowned at him and he laughed. "See? It fits."_

 _I rolled my eyes. "No. Got any others?"_

 _"_ _We could use one from Star Trek and you could be Spock."_

 _That one made me smirk. "Unfortunately no. Next."_

 _He thought for a moment before snapping his fingers. "I've got it! We can make one for both you and Lilly- you can be the Ponds!"_

 _I laughed. "Wow, Star Trek and Doctor Who. Am I supposed to be impressed? Besides, that's implying something that's not true. Can't you think of anything simple?"_

 _"_ _Then… how about Sev?"_

 _"_ _Sev?"_

 _Yeah, like Severus but shorter."_

 _I smiled at him. "I think I like that."_

 _He smiled back. "Then I dub thee, Sev."_


	3. Chapter 3

Remus looked me up and down, without even caring that he was being obvious. I stood stiffly under his gaze, trying not blush or slink back. I wanted to run.

"You cut your hair," he stated, "You always kept it long."

"It got annoying," I replied curtly.

Draco glanced at me in surprise and Harry looked a bit nervous. If he was anything like Lilly, I knew he could feel the tension and discomfort that had grown between his party and mine. Narcissa seemed to sense it, and Sirius had a malicious smirk on his face, clearly enjoying my emotional agony. Only Remus remained oblivious. He continued to stare at me, almost as if he was searching for something.

Narcissa cleared her throat. "Well, would you both like to join us in our endeavor to locate some seats?" When Sirius nodded, she looked at Draco and Harry. "Boys, I think it's about time you find Professor Dumbledore. The ceremony should be starting soon, so you'd better be ready."

"Alright," Draco said, tugging on Harry's scarlet sleeve.

Harry turned to me before leaving. "It was nice to meet you, Mr. Severus. And thank you for what you said before… I really appreciated it."

"It was good to meet you too, and I'm glad I was able to tell you a little about your mother. She was an amazing person." I felt myself smiling, though I doubted it looked happy. "I miss her dearly. Have Draco bring you around sometime and I'll show you some photo albums."

He grinned at me. "I will. Thanks!"

He took off after Draco, stumbling over his own feet in his hurry.

Sirius frowned at me as we walked down the rows of seats. "I don't think having Harry around you is a good idea, Snape," he whispered so that no one else could hear.

"Why? Afraid I'm going to kidnap him or something?" I was trying my best bot to spit the words out at him.

He shook his head. "He never met his parents, and, well…. everyone knows how James was back then."

"Just James?" I snorted. "It was less James than you, Black."

"Snape-"

"Oh!" I said dramatically, "You don't want me to say something that might ruin his perfect image of his perfect father! Well don't worry, I won't let slip anything that will corrupt the idea you must have placed in his head about James and yourself. I'm better than that. Besides, I really didn't know him as a person. I was just your victim."

Sirius dipped his head, which was as close as he came to an apology. Even after all these years, and he still just couldn't admit he was wrong about what he did. Some people's pride. I saw Remus smirking at me in approval, but I ignored him. We finally managed to snag seats, though they were a bit separated. There were two in one row, and three in front of them in the next row up. I knew Lucius was running late because of work, but he had texted to ask us to save him a seat for when he got there. I sat down in the back row, and to my horror, Remus plopped down next to me. Narcissa and Sirius filed in in front of us. Remus leaned forward in his seat to speak with Sirius, and Narcissa looked back at me. She cocked her eyebrow in silent question. I shook my head; I was fine. I would be fine. She faced the stage again, a look of disbelief on her face.

Lucius rushed in in a furry just as the ceremony was starting. I saw Narcissa breathe a sigh of relief. She hated when he was late, but swore he did it on purpose; Lucius always liked to make an entrance and a fuss about everything. Remus leaned back in his chair and put his hand on the armrest. I found myself trying not to smile. He always used to sit like that. And he always closed his eyes…. I risked a glance up at him and was instantly captivated. He had closed his eyes, exactly like I knew he would, so I used the chance to take him in. Before I knew it, I found myself mapping out his face. It had matured considerably since our time, with fine lines of age coming in around his eyes, despite him being only about thirty years. He had scars everywhere- one on each cheek, his chin, above his left eyebrow, and even on the bridge of his nose. They were all thin, red lines dug into his kind face, although they did nothing to damper his appearance. In my opinion, they added to him; balancing out his kindness with his battles and standing out like a warning.

Frowned and looked down at my hands folded in my lap. I gazed at his hand on the armrest next to me. It too was scarred. I was overwhelmed with a sudden sadness that took me by surprise. I remembered those hands. They always treated everything they touched with gentleness, and I had been no exception. I had loved those hands, that face, this man. I had loved Remus with everything I had in me… and that fact hadn't changed. He still affected me in the same way, making it seem like almost no time had passed at all. Like he hadn't been absent from my side for a lifetime.

I felt myself panicking, the headmaster's voice and the sound of the crowd distant as he called the names of graduating students. The air became thick and I found myself chocking on it, trying to breathe. I was paralyzed and blinded by white. My ears rang. I couldn't breathe. I needed to breathe!

"Severus?" a voice called. "Severus, are you alright? Severus? Sev, answer me!"

Someone shook me and I snapped back to reality. I tried to focus, but everything before my eyes was blurry and indistinct. I felt an arm wrap around me tightly, pulling me closer. A sudden warmth spread through my body. I sat there shivering in the heat and trying not to sob.

"It's alright, Sev. You're okay, I've got you now. Don't worry, I've got you."

Sev? I gained enough control of myself to look up. Remus was looking at me with worry clouding his blue eyes.

"Are you alright, Sev? What happened?" He put a hand to my forehead, probably checking for a fever. When he was satisfied that I didn't have one, his hand moved to cup my face. His hand was so warm, and I felt myself being drawn in by his scent. The sound of his voice and the rise and fall of his chest was comforting, just like it had always been. I closed my eyes, lulled by the feeling of safety at being enveloped by his arms.

"Severus," he breathed, and I felt him shift beside me.

His lips landed on mine so softly it felt the ghost of a kiss. Almost like it wasn't even there. A shiver ran down my spine, and I gasped quietly before opening my eyes. Remus met my gaze and stroked my face lightly with his thumb.

"I need to go!" I said, pushing away from him. He looked surprised, and his grip around me loosened. I removed myself from his arms and scrambled down the aisle. I ran out into the hall, tripping over myself in my hast. I needed to find a bathroom. My head was spinning out of control and I felt like I was going to hurl.


	4. Chapter 4

_I don't know when it started, but I think Lilly did. Remus would greet us every morning with a "Good morning Lilly." Smirk. "Sev." Lilly was taken aback the first time he'd used the nickname, so I explained it to her on our way to Trig. She laughed._

 _"_ _You let him give you a nickname? Man, you must really like him, Severus!" she teased. I blushed and she punched my arm lightly._

 _During the year, it had become normal for Remus to sit with us in the garden during lunch. Lilly always got the bench, and the two of us sprawled out on the grass in front of her. It was getting colder, and soon our outdoor spot would be forsaken and replaced with boring cafeteria tables, where our lunch would be interrupted with food fights. Remus put his hands behind his head and laid down, his shirt pulling up slightly as he did so. My eyes were instantly drawn to his long torso. Since Hogwarts was a private school mostly for the rich and elite, uniforms were issued. The boys wore a white button down shirt (sleeve length was your own choice) with a black tie, and black dress pants. Sweater vests the color of your school house was also worn, and they had the house crest sewn onto the right breast pocket. For girls, the pants were replaced with black pleated skirts that came to the knee if worn properly. Remus and Lilly were both in Gryffindor, so they were dressed in scarlet, with a lion on their crest. I was in the Slytherin house which was green and the crest had a snake, obviously. My uniform stood out awfully against my pale skin and dark hair. I was jealous of how good Remus looked, and I honestly couldn't stop staring. I found myself doing it a lot after that, and it didn't escape Lilly's notice._

 _"_ _So, is there anybody you like this year?" she asked nonchalantly after school one day. We had gone out to the new ice cream parlor for shakes, but Remus had rushed off to keep the Marauders out of trouble. He had told us he would try to swing by later, but he wasn't sure if he would make it and said not to wait up if he didn't show._

 _I shrugged. "Not really."_

 _"_ _Are you sure?"_

 _"_ _Yeah."_

 _"_ _Oh…" she looked a little disappointed and began sucking on her spoon._

 _I narrowed my eyes at her sulking. "What?"_

 _"_ _Well, I just thought that maybe you should get somebody."_

 _"_ _I have you and Remus."_

 _She gave an exasperated sigh. "I meant like a girlfriend… or boyfriend." She seemed to intentionally leave the comment hanging after she added, "Whichever you'd prefer…"_

 _I looked at her suspiciously as she innocently batted her lashes at me. "What are you getting at, Lilly?"_

 _She smirked. "Oh, why don't you try and figure it out, Sev?"_

 _I nearly chocked on my shake. "You mean Remus? You want me to date Remus?"_

 _Lilly nodded enthusiastically. "Who else? Oh come on, you're totally into him- it's completely obvious! He's picked up on it too, I can tell!"_

 _"_ _What?! How do you know? Did he say something?" I panicked._

 _"_ _No, but I can see it in his eyes when he looks at you. Just like I can see it in your eyes when you look at him! I'm surprised it took him this long, actually!"_

 _I rubbed my face with my sleeve for no reason. I thought about it and I wasn't sure if I did like Remus that way. In fact, I wasn't sure how I felt about him at all. "How am I supposed to know if I like him or not?" I asked nervously._

 _"_ _Okay, I'm gonna help you. Close your eyes for me."_

 _I did as Lilly requested, although I had a bad feeling about what was about to ensue._

 _"_ _Imagine you're in a room with Remus and you're alone. What are you doing?"_

 _Instantly, I saw Remus smiling at me in my mind. He laughed at something I said, his shoulders moving and his head falling back, his mouth open wide._

 _"_ _We're just talking. He's laughing at something, like always."_

 _"_ _Now, he leans down to kiss you. How do you react?"_

 _"_ _What? I'm not sure I want to go through with this anymore…" I said in surprise. I had actually tried not to think about that, surprisingly._

 _"_ _Come on, Severus, bear with me. This is going to help you, I promise. So, he's going kiss you, what are you going do?"_

 _"_ _Let him," I replied immediately. I covered my mouth as I gasped at what I had just said._

 _I was about to open my eyes when Lilly said, "Then let him."_

 _Again, the Remus of my imagination smiled at me. He moved closer to me, until he stood right in front of me and we practically shared the same breath. He tilted his head slightly as he closed the gap between our faces, and he wrapped and held my face with the other. His lips pressed lightly to mine. A jolt of electricity shot through my body. His kiss deepened and he slid his tongue into my mouth. I clung to him as his hand slid underneath my shirt, only slightly. My eyes opened in surprise and I looked at Lilly, who was watching me closely. I knew my eyes were wide, they felt like they were almost bugging out of my face._

 _"_ _How did it feel?"_

 _I couldn't answer her right away, because I was still too wrapped up in how hot my imagination had made me. "His lips were like fire," I managed after a while. She raised an eyebrow, her sign for me to continue. "When he kissed me, I felt like I was drowning in his heat, like there was nothing else. And when he touched me…" I looked down and paled. Lilly's gaze followed mine to my pants and she giggled._

 _"_ _Yup. I think you like him, maybe even more than I thought if you got this excited from just imagining him kissing you!"_

 _"_ _Shut up! Ugh, this is so embarrassing!" I hid my face in my hands as the bell above the door chimed._

 _I heard Lilly stop laughing and she whispered, "Don't look now, but you'll never guess who just walked in!"_

 _"_ _Oh, god no! Please tell me it's not Remus!" I whispered back through my hands. I felt blush creep up my neck when I heard his voice._

 _"_ _Hey guys, sorry I'm late. Sirius was trying to put a mouse in Professor McGonagall's desk."_

 _"_ _Oh, you shouldn't have worried about it too much. Her cat will just eat it tomorrow." Lilly said._

 _Remus laughed and set his bag down on the floor before taking the seat next to me. I couldn't bring myself to look at him._

 _After that day, something in changed between us. It happened gradually, and was probably due to my awkwardness towards him. I still wasn't sure of the depths of my feelings for him, and I wasn't desperate for him to find out that I had any at all. But I still liked to be around him as much as possible and we hung out whenever time allowed._

 _The months grew cold and winter break was fast approaching. Mr. Slughorn, the chemistry teacher, gave us minimal homework, insisting that we focus on our in-class experiences rather than an old textbook. I happened to agree, though the piles of work from the other teachers might have had something to do with that. We had an essay to complete for McGonagall and a project due for Flitwick. Even Hooch, the P.E. teacher was giving out assignments! At least Mr. Binns had allowed us to partner up for our World War II presentation in history. Since Remus and I shared that class, we decided to work together. We met every weekend to work on it, and we were almost done. This time, Remus had asked to go over to my house. I had agreed because my father was out for the night, drinking. It was the first time Remus had seen my house so we took a little while to look around before settled into my room, finally delving into our work. A few hours later and I heard Remus breath out heavily._

 _"_ _Done!" He said, holding up a poster board for me to see. It was covered in pictures of fighter jets and mass destruction, with scraps of paper explaining what everything was. "How close are you to finishing the essay?"_

 _"_ _I'm working on the conclusion now," I said. I was sitting on my bed typing like a maniac, and the total number of pages came out to be around eleven._

 _Remus scooted closer to me and read as I continued to write. He threw out a few suggestions, so I added them in where the fit. I felt him watching me as I finished the essay and saved it. I hit print and then closed my laptop, announcing, "Finished." I looked over at him and he smiled. Then he put a hand to my face and gently pulled me towards him. It took a second for my brain to realize what he was doing, and the next thing I knew he was kissing me. It was soft and unsure at first, almost like he was asking for permission. I kissed him back and I felt his relief as he hoisted himself next to me on the bed._

* * *

 _Remus was a lot of firsts for me. For starters, I'd never kissed anybody before and I spent the beginning of my winter break in a slight panic, wondering what it meant. Should I consider Remus my boyfriend? It didn't seem right to assume Remus had meant anything by it. Maybe he just kissed me because he was lonely or curious. Maybe he had been put up to it by Sirius and James and the whole thing was a joke. That thought irritated me more than I cared to think. How was I supposed to react when I saw him at school? Was I really supposed to wait that long to see his smiling face and hear his soft, gentle voice call my name? I shook my head and briefly thought about giving him a call, but thought it might seem a little desperate. I called Lily instead, making sure to be as quiet as possible because my father was home for once, and extremely drunk. I could hear him shouting downstairs, his slurred and angry words echoing inside the small house. Lily listened patiently while I talked myself in circles for at least an hour, pacing the length of my room as I babbled at her._

 _When I finally paused, she solemnly whispered, "Call him, Sev. Ask him out."_

 _"_ _What do you mean by 'ask him out'? Ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend and go on romantic dates and eventually ride off into the sunset after he gushes his 'yes' like in a fairy tale? In case you haven't noticed Lily, my life isn't a happy children's story. It's not even likely he'd say yes at all!"_

 _"_ _Severus, calm down! That's not what I meant… where did that even come from, anyways? God, Sev, I know your life is kind of miserable, but have a little faith. Just ask him if he wants to hang out sometime over Christmas break."_

 _"_ _But what if he says no?"_

 _"_ _He won't, trust me."_

 _I frowned at her, even though she wouldn't see it. Despite not being right in front of me, she knew. And I knew she did, so I explained, "Lily, I'm scared. What if it was nothing but the Marauders playing one of their jokes on me? What if it means nothing to Remus at all!"_

 _She laughed quietly. "Jeez, even James and Sirius wouldn't be cruel enough to mess with you like this." I doubted that. "I know you're scared, Severus, but Remus wouldn't kiss you without a good reason. And since he hates hurting people, even indirectly, I think you have no reason to worry. Just… give it a go, for me?"_

 _I sighed in resignation. "Okay. Okay, I'll ask him. Thanks Lily."_

 _"_ _Hey, what are friends for? See you after break, Sev. Tell me how it goes!" Then she was gone._

 _I took a deep breath and listened. When I was sure my father was still downstairs, I dialed Remus' number. No one picked up right away, and I grew more anxious with every ring. Until finally there came a, "Hello?"_

 _"_ _Um, hey Remus."_

 _"_ _Hey, Sev! What's up?" was it just my imagination, or did he sound slightly nervous?_

 _"_ _I was wondering if you might want to go catch a movie with me."_

 _"_ _When?"_

 _"_ _Tomorrow?"_

 _"_ _Tomorrow?" he paused I heard him speak to someone. "I'm sorry, I can't," he replied when he returned._

 _"_ _Oh well… that's alright," I said lightly, masking my disappointment with a smile he couldn't see._

 _"_ _But I'm free on Friday, if you want to go then," he said, a ring of hopefulness in his voice._

 _Instantly, I brightened. "Of course! So- Friday, I guess. See you then."_

 _"_ _Oh, wait!"_

 _I paused. "Yeah?"_

 _"_ _Um…. Never mind. See you Friday." He definitely sounded nervous._

 _"_ _Okay. Bye then."_

 _After hanging up, I breathed out in relief. He said yes! I mean, it still didn't necessarily mean anything, but I saw a glimmer of hope. It was only Tuesday, and I had nothing to do to pass the time until Friday. The days dragged on and boredom took over. I wished for the weekend to come sooner. Lily was out with her family for the holidays and my father was nowhere to be seen, which was probably for the better in all honesty. I lounged about the house alone, allowing worry to consume my thoughts again. Suppose this was all the Marauders' doing and Remus didn't really care for me at all! But then I remembered what Lily had said and realized she was right. Remus must have had a good reason for kissing me, but that didn't automatically mean he was into me like that. Or maybe he had liked me, but then kissed me and changed his mind. As I sat upside down on the couch, my legs thrown over the back, another thought hit me. What if he really did like me; what then? Having never been in that position before, I was unsure of the protocol of being the object of someone's affection. Of course I knew about things like holding hands and kissing despite not having done them, but I had never understood the appeal of sex. Unlike most sixteen-year-old boys, I didn't imagine myself in obscene scenarios and I rarely pleasured myself. I was uncomfortable enough with looking at myself naked so I didn't need someone else there to witness my awkward body, let alone try touching me sexually! But then again, I'd never had anyone whom I liked that way before. No one to direct dirty thoughts to or even someone willing to participate in them. Would Remus expect us to do sexual things together if we became boyfriends? I swallowed. I wasn't even sure how exactly that worked. I mean, I knew the science behind it and such, but having to actually do it? That was a bit over my head._

 _Without thinking, I removed myself from the couch and scurried to my bedroom. I opened my laptop and logged onto the internet, typing questions. I was quickly directed to a gay porn site, and my screen became filled with pictures of naked men in compromising positions. My mind went blank. What was I doing?! I slammed the laptop shut and put my head in my hands. Was I really that desperate? I felt the urge to open the screen again and simply stare, and it sickened me. Suddenly the empty house seemed large and troublesome._

 _By the time Friday rolled around, I was a wreck. I cursed myself for what I had almost done. There was no reason for me to be looking at gay porn, regardless of my lack of knowledge. Yet I found myself wanting to go back to the site and the urge had grown stronger each day. My shame gave way to nervous excitement as the day continued, until I deemed it time to get ready for my not-date. I put on my favorite pair of black jeans and a worn gray button down, some of the only acceptable clothes I had. I frowned at myself and eventually decided against wearing it. I rummaged in my drawers for something else, scattering raggedy clothes about my room. I managed to find a dark blue sweater that wasn't patched or fraying. I put on my pair of black converse high tops, and glanced at the mirror again._

 _"_ _I suppose this will have to work," I said aloud._

 _I combed my hair and tucked one side behind my ear. It was getting long, so I'd need to go in for a cut soon. I grabbed my coat and an old scarf and quickly left the house. I was exceedingly nervous when I reached the theater_ _and found Remus waiting out front, bundled in a large hat, coat, and scarf. Butterflies bounced in my stomach as he looked my way. His face broke into a grin which I returned unconsciously, and he waved. I hurried towards him._

 _"_ _What are you doing waiting out here? You'll catch a cold!" I said when I reached him._

 _He smiled playfully at me. "I'm not going to freeze, Sev. See? I came prepared!" He waved the ends of his scarf._

 _I smiled at him, words slipping from my mouth. "I'm glad you came. I've been wanting to see you." I blushed immediately and he looked surprised._

 _He recovered quickly and smiled shyly. "Me too." He looked down, burying his face in his scarf, but I could see the blush creeping up his neck to his ears._

 _Things went better than I ever could have hoped. We were both nervous, but I did something that surprised us both and took initiative. I reached for his hand. He looked at me, and in that dark theater_ _I realized I had it bad. His eyes were blown wide and I couldn't help but smile. He squeezed my hand lightly and slouched down in his chair, pulling his face close to his chest. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. We talked about it for a little while after the show, and decided that we would enter a relationship. I called Lily, ecstatic and practically screamed "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" through the phone at her. She laughed and said "I told you so!" I didn't feel worried about it, in fact I actually felt pretty confident that I could handle whatever came at us as long as Remus was beside me. Somehow, I knew everything would be fine. Perfect, even! Maybe I did have a chance to be with someone and be_ happy.


	5. Chapter 5

_Remus was a lot of firsts for me. For starters, I'd never kissed anybody before and I spent the beginning of my winter break in a slight panic, wondering what it meant. Should I consider Remus my boyfriend? It didn't seem right to assume Remus had meant anything by it. Maybe he just kissed me because he was lonely or curious. Maybe he had been put up to it by Sirius and James and the whole thing was a joke. That thought irritated me more than I cared to think. How was I supposed to react when I saw him at school? Was I really supposed to wait that long to see his smiling face and hear his soft, gentle voice call my name? I shook my head and briefly thought about giving him a call, but thought it might seem a little desperate. I called Lily instead, making sure to be as quiet as possible because my father was home for once, and extremely drunk. I could hear him shouting downstairs, his slurred and angry words echoing inside the small house. Lily listened patiently while I talked myself in circles for at least an hour, pacing the length of my room as I babbled at her._

 _When I finally paused, she solemnly whispered, "Call him, Sev. Ask him out."_

 _"_ _What do you mean by 'ask him out'? Ask him if he wants to be my boyfriend and go on romantic dates and eventually ride off into the sunset after he gushes his 'yes' like in a fairy tale? In case you haven't noticed Lily, my life isn't a happy children's story. It's not even likely he'd say yes at all!"_

 _"_ _Severus, calm down! That's not what I meant… where did that even come from, anyways? God, Sev, I know your life is kind of miserable, but have a little faith. Just ask him if he wants to hang out sometime over Christmas break."_

 _"_ _But what if he says no?"_

 _"_ _He won't, trust me."_

 _I frowned at her, even though she wouldn't see it. Despite not being right in front of me, she knew. And I knew she did, so I explained, "Lily, I'm scared. What if it was nothing but the Marauders playing one of their jokes on me? What if it means nothing to Remus at all!"_

 _She laughed quietly. "Jeez, even James and Sirius wouldn't be cruel enough to mess with you like this." I doubted that. "I know you're scared, Severus, but Remus wouldn't kiss you without a good reason. And since he hates hurting people, even indirectly, I think you have no reason to worry. Just… give it a go, for me?"_

 _I sighed in resignation. "Okay. Okay, I'll ask him. Thanks Lily."_

 _"_ _Hey, what are friends for? See you after break, Sev. Tell me how it goes!" Then she was gone._

 _I took a deep breath and listened. When I was sure my father was still downstairs, I dialed Remus' number. No one picked up right away, and I grew more anxious with every ring. Until finally there came a, "Hello?"_

 _"_ _Um, hey Remus."_

 _"_ _Hey, Sev! What's up?" was it just my imagination, or did he sound slightly nervous?_

 _"_ _I was wondering if you might want to go catch a movie with me."_

 _"_ _When?"_

 _"_ _Tomorrow?"_

 _"_ _Tomorrow?" he paused I heard him speak to someone. "I'm sorry, I can't," he replied when he returned._

 _"_ _Oh well… that's alright," I said lightly, masking my disappointment with a smile he couldn't see._

 _"_ _But I'm free on Friday, if you want to go then," he said, a ring of hopefulness in his voice._

 _Instantly, I brightened. "Of course! So- Friday, I guess. See you then."_

 _"_ _Oh, wait!"_

 _I paused. "Yeah?"_

 _"_ _Um…. Never mind. See you Friday." He definitely sounded nervous._

 _"_ _Okay. Bye then."_

 _After hanging up, I breathed out in relief. He said yes! I mean, it still didn't necessarily mean anything, but I saw a glimmer of hope. It was only Tuesday, and I had nothing to do to pass the time until Friday. The days dragged on and boredom took over. I wished for the weekend to come sooner. Lily was out with her family for the holidays and my father was nowhere to be seen, which was probably for the better in all honesty. I lounged about the house alone, allowing worry to consume my thoughts again. Suppose this was all the Marauders' doing and Remus didn't really care for me at all! But then I remembered what Lily had said and realized she was right. Remus must have had a good reason for kissing me, but that didn't automatically mean he was into me like that. Or maybe he had liked me, but then kissed me and changed his mind. As I sat upside down on the couch, my legs thrown over the back, another thought hit me. What if he really did like me; what then? Having never been in that position before, I was unsure of the protocol of being the object of someone's affection. Of course I knew about things like holding hands and kissing despite not having done them, but I had never understood the appeal of sex. Unlike most sixteen-year-old boys, I didn't imagine myself in obscene scenarios and I rarely pleasured myself. I was uncomfortable enough with looking at myself naked so I didn't need someone else there to witness my awkward body, let alone try touching me sexually! But then again, I'd never had anyone whom I liked that way before. No one to direct dirty thoughts to or even someone willing to participate in them. Would Remus expect us to do sexual things together if we became boyfriends? I swallowed. I wasn't even sure how exactly that worked. I mean, I knew the science behind it and such, but having to actually do it? That was a bit over my head._

 _Without thinking, I removed myself from the couch and scurried to my bedroom. I opened my laptop and logged onto the internet, typing questions. I was quickly directed to a gay porn site, and my screen became filled with pictures of naked men in compromising positions. My mind went blank. What was I doing?! I slammed the laptop shut and put my head in my hands. Was I really that desperate? I felt the urge to open the screen again and simply stare, and it sickened me. Suddenly the empty house seemed large and troublesome._

 _By the time Friday rolled around, I was a wreck. I cursed myself for what I had almost done. There was no reason for me to be looking at gay porn, regardless of my lack of knowledge. Yet I found myself wanting to go back to the site and the urge had grown stronger each day. My shame gave way to nervous excitement as the day continued, until I deemed it time to get ready for my not-date. I put on my favorite pair of black jeans and a worn gray button down, some of the only acceptable clothes I had. I frowned at myself and eventually decided against wearing it. I rummaged in my drawers for something else, scattering raggedy clothes about my room. I managed to find a dark blue sweater that wasn't patched or fraying. I put on my pair of black converse high tops, and glanced at the mirror again._

 _"_ _I suppose this will have to work," I said aloud._

 _I combed my hair and tucked one side behind my ear. It was getting long, so I'd need to go in for a cut soon. I grabbed my coat and an old scarf and quickly left the house. I was exceedingly nervous when I reached the theatre and found Remus waiting out front, bundled in a large hat, coat, and scarf. Butterflies bounced in my stomach as he looked my way. His face broke into a grin which I returned unconsciously, and he waved. I hurried towards him._

 _"_ _What are you doing waiting out here? You'll catch a cold!" I said when I reached him._

 _He smiled playfully at me. "I'm not going to freeze, Sev. See? I came prepared!" He waved the ends of his scarf._

 _I smiled at him, words slipping from my mouth. "I'm glad you came. I've been wanting to see you." I blushed immediately and he looked surprised._

 _He recovered quickly and smiled shyly. "Me too." He looked down, burying his face in his scarf, but I could see the blush creeping up his neck to his ears._

 _Things went better than I ever could have hoped. We were both nervous, but I did something that surprised us both and took initiative. I reached for his hand. He looked at me, and in that dark theatre I realized I had it bad. His eyes were blown wide and I couldn't help but smile. He squeezed my hand lightly and slouched down in his chair, pulling his face close to his chest. It was the cutest thing I had ever seen. We talked about it for a little while after the show, and decided that we would enter a relationship. I called Lily, ecstatic and practically screamed "I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!" through the phone at her. She laughed and said "I told you so!" I didn't feel worried about it, in fact I actually felt pretty confident that I could handle whatever came at us as long as Remus was beside me. Somehow, I knew everything would be fine. Perfect, even! Maybe I did have a chance to be with someone and be happy._


	6. Chapter 6

_Lily and I began drifting apart as Remus and I grew closer. It didn't even register in my head that things were changing between us- between all of us. Remus and I spent almost every moment we could together, cutting class to snog in a supply cupboard or running off as soon as the bell rang. I didn't even notice when Lily stopped sitting with us at lunch. My focus was completely taken by Remus. To be fair, it didn't seem like he cared about anything beside me either which didn't help me notice my best friend's absence. Until I saw her with James._

 _I had been walking down the hall to gym class, which was my least favorite- who wants to be beat up by dodgeballs anyway? I was always the prime target - and happened to see her. I was about to walk over when I saw who she was with. James. They were standing by her locker, James too close to her in my opinion. She was laughing and he was smiling and I was pissed. Who did he think he was, hanging with her? My anger burned as I stomped to her side._

 _"_ _What are you doing?" I asked as calmly as I could._

 _James sniffed. "None of your business."_

 _Lily shot him a look as I seethed. "We were just talking, Sev. It's alright."_

 _I narrowed my eyes. "Why would you be talking to him?"_

 _"_ _Why wouldn't she?"_

 _I gave the arrogant git my best glare. "I was only wondering why my best friend was with the likes of you."_

 _"_ _The likes of me, huh? Maybe because the 'likes of you' weren't there."_

 _I snorted. I had always been there for Lily, like she'd always been there for me. For the last three six years we'd been together. What was he trying to say? James seemed to take my silence as encouragement, because he spoke again, pouting every word. "Is she not allowed to have her own friends? Or does that make Severus sad…"_

 _"_ _James, knock it off. It's alright, Sev, we were just talking." Lily put her hand on James' arm as she spoke. She did it like it was the most natural thing in the world, and that irked me. Something was going on, I was sure of it._

 _"_ _Friends?" I spat, "When did you become friends?"_

 _"_ _Quite recently, actually," James replied, sounding bored. "Like I said, she has the right to her own friends. Maybe she just got sick of being with you."_

 _I clenched my fists and muttered, "Arsehole."_

 _"_ _What did you just say, greasy weasel?"_

 _"_ _Guys, please-" Lily started._

 _"_ _Arsehole! I called you and Arsehole!" I said angrily._

 _"_ _Cunt!" he spat back._

 _We began throwing insults at each other, growing louder and angrier with each word spoken. James grabbed me by the shirt collar and I was vaguely aware if Lily telling him to stop, but both of us were too far gone to care. A crowd started to gather in the hallway to watch with wide eyes. With each insult there were gasps and cheers and jeering of their own. Most of them were aimed at me. Years of pent up rage and hate built over inside me. I had had enough of being the butt end of everyone's jokes. I was sick of being teased incessantly and being alone. Everything manifested into one huge, boiling pot of white-hot rage and I didn't hesitate to let it out and do damage._

 _"_ _Dumbass! I'd call you an idiot but that's an insult to all the stupid people!"_

 _James shook me hard. "You're a failed abortion whose birth certificate is an apology from the condom factory!"_

 _"_ _If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents! I bet you were born on the highway, that's where most accidents happen," I yelled in his face._

 _"_ _Out of 100,000 sperm, you were the fastest? Your poor mum must have died when she saw you come out!"_

 _I snorted. "I could eat a bowl of alphabet soup and shit out a smarter comeback than what you just said."_

 _"_ _Well then try this one out nerd - you must be the arithmetic man; you add trouble, subtract pleasure, divide attention, and multiply ignorance," James snarled._

 _"_ _Who figured that one out for you, because I doubt you could do it on your own! Even if you were twice as smart you'd still be stupid!"_

 _Next thing I knew, I was on the ground and blood was gushing from my nose. Lilly screamed as I shot back up and threw a punch at James' face, hitting him square in the jaw. He looked at me then, and I knew I was in for it but I was too angry to simply walk away. He punched me in the face again, blood splattering the lockers to my right as my head snapped to the side. Pain exploded in my brain and I staggered. I didn't have time to recover or block before he punched me in the gut so hard I fell to the ground. His foot made contact with my ribs and my stomach as his fist hit me in the mouth. Lily tried to pry him off of me, screaming at him to stop and see reason instead of blind fury, but I knew he wouldn't budge until he was through with me. Over and over he hit me, kicked me until I was numb from the pain, my voice hoarse from letting out screams, insults, and profanities. I landed a few hits of my own, splitting my knuckles with the force of my fist hitting his face, though I wasn't sure if the blood on my hands was mine or his or both. I don't know how long it lasted, but I began to feel myself slipping out of consciousness as blood pooled around me on the floor. My arms felt heavy even as I tried to lift them to protect myself. I felt his hands slam into my chest, forcing the breath from my lungs and leaving me sputtering. James grabbed a handful of my hair, and stared me in the eyes. He had blood running down his face from his nose and a cut above his eye. The way he looked at me scared me more than anything. It was a look of pure, uncontrollable rage, making him look ready to kill. I think he would have too if it hadn't been for Remus._

 _"_ _JAMES, STOP! STOP IT NOW!"_

 _James' fist stilled above me, but his expression didn't change._

 _"_ _Let him go! Leave him alone!"_

 _He dropped my head onto the floor and got up with one last kick to my side. In an instant, Remus was beside me, holding me. "Sev, Sev, can you hear me? Sev, answer me, are you alright? Sev?"_

 _I turned over and coughed up blood, curling up into myself as I did. My head was spinning and I couldn't focus. Everything was indistinct, fading in and out of black and red. I felt Remus next to me, heard he and Lily calling me, but the words were distant and garbled in my ears. I knew I was going under._

 _I came to in the school infirmary. For a while, I just sat there in confusion. Why was I here? I needed to get to class! I tried to sit up and instantly fell back. Pain shot through my body, making me gasp. Everything came back to me then; James and Lily, the fight, Remus coming to my rescue. I ached everywhere. I looked down at my hands that were clutching my vest. My knuckles were broken open, still bloody and raw. I stumbled out of the bed to find a mirror. I slid down into the chair in front of the small mirror when I found it, surveying the damage. My face looked like someone had stuck it in a meat grinder before putting it back on my head. My eyes were swollen practically shut, and my nose was obviously broken. I had stiches by my right temple, and on my left cheek. My sides were bruised purple and yellow, as was my chest, and there were several cuts and countless other bruises scattered across my body. I was a mess. Every move I made sent new jolts of pain throughout my body, leaving me breathless and sore. My head was pounding in my scull and it felt like it was about to burst open. I moaned aloud._

 _"_ _You're awake!" I turned to see Remus standing in the doorway. He gave me a tentative smile. "How do you feel?"_

 _"_ _Like shit," I said without hesitation. And it wasn't just physically. I thought about what James had said about Lily. Was she really sick of me? But why would she go to James? I felt myself frowning and clenching my fists, cracking the scabs that covered my knuckles. I winced and Remus strode over to me and sat in the chair next to me._

 _"_ _Hey, it's alright," he said. Then he chuckled quietly. "You look terrible."_

 _I forced a half-smile. "I think it's an improvement, actually. What do you think? Think I should keep this look going?"_

 _"_ _What look? The someone-beat-the-crap-out-of-me look? Please don't."_

 _We both laughed. Remus had to get to class, but the nurse told me I wasn't allowed to leave yet so we said goodbye. I knew I needed to talk to Lily as soon as possible, so when school was over I rushed as fast as my beaten body would let me to her locker. I stumbled up to her as she closed the locker door._

 _"_ _Hey," I said._

 _She smiled sadly. "Hey. How are you feeling?"_

 _"_ _Um… like I just got beat up. Anyways, I wanted to talk to you about earlier."_

 _"_ _What about earlier?"_

 _"_ _Why were you with James?"_

 _She sighed and began walking. I followed her. "He's not so bad, you know. He's actually really sweet."_

 _I stared at her in disbelief. "Not so bad? Lily, look at me!"_

 _She did and winced. "It's just as much your fault as it is his. You didn't have to be such a jerk to him."_

 _"_ _Why shouldn't I have been? He's always been worse than a jerk to me, and that's putting it mildly. But why were you with him?" I asked again as we pushed through the doors to get outside._

 _She shrugged, but I saw her blush as she looked away from me. Suddenly it clicked. "No way. You can't seriously- what! Lily, how could you?!"_

 _She glared at me. "What do mean 'how could I'? I can like whomever I wish to."_

 _"_ _But this is James Potter we're talking about! You could do so much better than him, and after everything he's done to me-"_

 _"_ _See, that's just it Sev! He's never done anything to me! I agree what he did all those years was wrong, but I can forgive him if he can change." We had stopped walking and she faced me. For the first time, I saw tears in her eyes. "No one's ever liked me, Sev. This is a big deal for me, and I want to make it work! And you've been so busy with Remus you haven't even made any effort to talking to me since after Christmas, so I was on my own for a while. James noticed and said Remus has been the same way. He asked if I was alright, but I wasn't, Sev. You left me! My best friends ditched me because he got a boyfriend, and I was happy for you for a while, I really was. But then I realized how lonely I was and you didn't even notice!" She was crying in earnest now, tears streaming down her cheeks. I stood there, shocked. "You're obviously fine without me, weather you realize it or not, so I tried to be too. I really like him, Sev. I really, really like him. And he likes me too. I want to tell you, but you never seemed to care. I thought we were supposed to tell each other this kind of thing; isn't that what friends do? They don't ignore each other!"_

 _I was quiet as I realized she was right. Guilt swept over me and I was ashamed of myself. When had Remus become more important than Lily to me? The person who had loved me unconditionally, who had stood by me through the worst, through all the bullying, and my broken family life, had suddenly been replaced without my consent. I hung my head and looked down at the pavement. "I'm sorry Lily. I had no idea. I'm so sorry…"_

 _She sniffed. "I know. But I can't forgive you, not yet. You hurt me, Severus, and it still hurts." I nodded. "Can you give James a chance? I'm not asking you to forgive him, but just…"_

 _"_ _I can try. But only because it's you."_

 _She smiled at me, though her eyes and cheeks were still wet. How had I been the one to make her look like this? Another wave of guilt hit me and I made a promise that I would be there for her. I would always put her first._

 _I was bruised and sore for weeks. Remus and Lily seemed upset about it, so I told them it was nothing. In truth, I was utterly miserable. Every movement was accompanied by dull throbs and sharp stabs of pain. Even standing still hurt! James came after a while and apologized. He seemed genuinely sorry, so I let it go for Lily's sake. The four of us began going out a lot, spending more time with each other. Usually we would eventually go our separate ways for time with our partners. For the time we were in public things between Remus and I were light and romantic, things like hand holding and short kisses. But as soon as we were alone, Remus took the lead, claiming my mouth in searing kisses that left me breathless when he finally pulled back. We went over to his house most days, and his family was almost always out. Things quickly became more heated as he continued to kiss me savagely. When I felt his hands slowly creep under my shirt, I panicked. It never went farther than kissing because I'm sure he noticed. I was grateful, but also a little upset with myself. I was being chicken about us taking the next step, but I didn't know how to fix it. I spent most time afterwards staring at my computer, willing myself to do something. I wasn't sure if I was wiling myself to find some sexual assistance or walk away. For a while, I just sat there staring. But after being confronted with my cowardice week after week, I decided to do it._

 _As I began typing some part of my mind screamed at me. Porn was dangerous, I knew that. I didn't want to get addicted. But I had to do this! I found the site I saw before and I clicked it. I immediately had to fight the urge to slam my laptop shut like last time. I took several deep breathes and grabbed my headphones off the nightstand next to my bed. My hand shook as I plugged them into the jack. I looked through the videos and clicked on the one that sounded least frightening to my virgin mind. Some stupid storyline began and after three minutes of nothing happening, I got bored and skipped ahead. Suddenly, the men on the screen were naked and touching each other. A wave of panic rose in my throat, but I forced it down and continued to watch, my eyes now glued to the small screen. They were lying on a bed kissing and groping. The guy on top began to move his way down the other guy's body with his mouth. The man on the bottom moaned as his shaft was taken deep into his partner's mouth as fingers pinched and twisted his nipples. Hands found their way under Bottom's hips, lifting them up as Top removed his mouth from his swollen member and began to such his anus. Bottom gasped and began to writhe as a tongue forced it way through his tight opening. I felt myself flush as I watched and my cock stiffened. Before long, Top's fingers were coated in spit and shoved up Bottom's arse. Then they were fucking, my headphones filled with the sound of moist skin slapping against each other, moans of pleasure and grunts of effort. I was breathing heavily, and I knew I needed to get off. I unzipped my jeans and pulled my shaft into my hand as I watched the two men fuck each other. I stroked myself, imagining Remus doing exactly what I had watched to me. After having seen it done, it was easier to see it happening to myself. I felt tense everywhere, my balls tight with need. It didn't take long for me to release my load into my palm. It dripped from my fingers onto the floor as I slumped back against the bedframe. I closed my eyes as the aftershocks rippled through my body._

 _It became necessary for me to do this. To explore myself. I tried everything I could think of, touching myself in places I never would have normally. I jacked off, I played with my nipples, and even let a finger sneak into my arse a few times. I watched more videos, gaining new ideas and gaining confidence in myself. I wasn't addicted. In all honesty, it was just something to do to release my frustration and became more of a habit than anything else. I wished I could do it with Remus, but every time I tried, I got shaky and scared. He knew I was trying and seemed to appreciate the effort I made and I began to relax. I became accustomed to his touch on the bare skin of my torso but he never strayed lower, seeming content to do nothing but kiss my neck and chest while letting his hands wander lightly over the rest of me._

 _"_ _Remus." I said breathily one day. We were in his room laying on his bed side by side, kissing lazily. I rather enjoyed times like this, where it was nothing but the two of us and the unhurried way he loved me. It made me feel like we had all the time in the world to just hold each other because nothing else seemed to matter but him and I. He pulled his face back from mine a little bit to give me room to speak without his lips against mine. I missed the contact immediately. "I'm okay now."_

 _He looked at me, confused. "What?"_

 _"_ _I mean… well, I don't know exactly what I mean, but I'm okay. Like this, when everything is so quiet and perfect. I'm not nervous anymore. I'm sorry," I said, trying to bury my head in the pillow. "I'm not sure how to explain it."_

 _"_ _I think I get it," he said._

 _He wrapped an arm around me and kissed my ear lightly. I looked at him and saw he as smiling at me. His gaze was so filled with love it was visible to me and I blinked dumbly at him. He moved in closer and kissed me. I sighed against his lips, closing my eyes and letting his scent fill my senses. Before long, Remus ran his tongue along my bottom lip and I opened my mouth to grant him access. His tongue explored my mouth for the countless time and I reciprocated his motions. The kiss deepened and my body began to feel slightly flushed. Remus' fingers sneaked under the hem of my shirt and up my abdomen. He wandered lightly over my chest and I gasped quietly when he brushed my nipple with his thumb. He stopped the kiss, smiled at me and removed my shirt completely, pulling it over my head in one swift motion. We had never done it this way before, and I was a bit embarrassed to be seen bare chested. I realized in that moment how pale I was; how many scars I had. In other words, how simply unattractive I was… My thoughts were interrupted when Remus pinched my nipples. He began to gently pull and twist them and I bit my lip to keep in the sounds that were trying to escape, but couldn't help it when he bent down sucked on one. I briefly thought I should help him remove his shirt as well and my hands moved of their own accord, lifting his shirt up to expose his tan skin. Remus stopped his ministrations so I could pull it off his head and we looked at one another. He smiled shyly at me and I returned his gaze. He reached down to touch the bulge in my jeans._

 _"_ _I'm glad you decided you were ready. It was getting really hard for me to restrain myself from touching you more than you were comfortable with," he said. I grinned at him and replied "Me too." He hesitated before unzipping my pants tugging them down my legs. I tried to breathe normally, but found it getting difficult to breathe at all. The thought about what we were going to do made my body hot and excited. I noticed Remus' body reacting to me the same way and I placed my hand over his erection. "You too," I mumbled. He shucked his pants and threw them to the floor. We sat there in nothing but briefs, flushed and erect. The anticipation was excruciating, my cock straining to be released from its fabric confines. Remus complied, pushing me back down onto the bed and slipping his deft fingers under the waistband of my underwear. I had to lift my hips slightly so he could slide them down my legs and off my feet. He gasped and I felt myself blushing. His hand shook as he put his finger to the tip of my weeping cock, spreading my precum around the head before he wrapped his hand around the whole thing. The sock of having someone's hand but mine on my sex made me shiver. I moaned as he pumped me lowly at first, then gaining speed as he grew more confident. I managed to be silent for the most part and it didn't seem to please Remus. "Let me hear you, Sev," he said breathily, but I shook my head. He removed his hand. I was about to complain when the brush of his hand was replaced with the wet heat of his mouth. I made a noise from the back of my throat, my hand finding their wat to his hair as he swallowed my shaft. He pulled up and ran his tongue along the base and the head before plunging down on me again. Could hold back the noise anymore and I let out moans and whimpers and nonsense that embarrassed me. Remus moaned around the blockage in his mouth and the vibrations from his throat sent pleasure up my spine._

 _"_ _Remus- don't… I can't… close…!" I threw my head to the side but Remus didn't stop. If anything he renewed his efforts until I was wailing profanities and pleading with him. I wasn't sure if I was telling him 'stop' or 'more'. "So close… I'm c-cumming! Remus! Shit!" I yelled his name as I shot my load down his throat. He gulped around my girth, sending new waves of pleasure through my body that mixed with the ones from my orgasm. Remus pulled his mouth off me when I stopped spasoming. Refusing to be the only one who came, I shifted underneath him to fit his thick member down my throat. He yelled as I immediately began to suck. It wasn't long before he came in my mouth, pulling my hair and screaming my name. We laid down afterwards, sweaty and satisfied. He pulled me closer to him and threw a blanket over us, whispering in my ear until I we both fell asleep._


	7. Chapter 7

I slammed the stall door behind me and bent over the toilet, breathing heavily. Shivers ran up and down my spine as I tried my best not to vomit. Remus kissed me, but that wasn't what bothered me. Not to say it didn't bother me, but there was a more pressing issue. I was hard. As soon as his lips touched mine, a fire had spread through my body. It made my fingertips tingle and the heat accumulated in my groin. It was that that set me off. The fact that even after all this time and heartache he still _affected_ me, that I wanted him despite everything I'd tried to tell myself tonight. The proof was sitting in my lap and my arousal made me sick. I remembered the feel of his hand on my face and I shuddered at the ghost of his touch. My cock was hard enough to be uncomfortable and I knew it wasn't going to go down on its own. _I should probably take care of it,_ I thought. But masturbating in a public bathroom was not something I wanted to be doing at the moment. _I should be out in the auditorium watching my godson's graduation, not hiding crouched over a toilet horny and sick!_

Cursing myself, I unzipped my jeans. I pushed them down my legs, carrying my briefs with them. I needed to get this over with before someone came in to do their business. I spit into my hand and wrapped it around my stiff member. It throbbed hotly under my palm. I took a shaky breath and began to slide my hand up and down my length. It wasn't long before my breathing got heavy and I picked up the pace. I allowed my mind to wander and images of Remus flashed behind my eyes. I thought about his long, slender fingers touching me, ghosting over every inch of my body like they used to. I wondered how it would feel to have them pushed inside me while his lips were wrapped around my cock; or better yet, his cock stiff and heavy in my mouth as I tasted his secret flavor of musk and pure Remus. I moaned at the thought of swallowing him down to the root while he finger-fucked me. I stuffed my knuckles in my mouth to keep myself from making any more noise as I felt myself getting closer to the edge. The thought of Remus's sex buried up my ass as he pounded into me hard into the mattress had me frantically pulling on my prick. With a final upwards stroke, my body jerked and I bit down on my knuckles as I sprayed hot jizz all over the bathroom stall. I stood there, panting, as my cock deflated and I shoved it back into my jeans. The release had left me empty and unsatisfied, not to mention extremely guilty. Grabbing some toilet paper, I wiped up the mess I'd made of myself and the stall wall and floor. When I was finished I flushed the wadded up paper down the toilet and unlocked the stall door. I took a deep breath to steady myself before pushing it open and walking out. I immediately headed for the sinks with my head bowed low. I didn't notice the other person in the room until they spoke.

"Well that was… enlightening."

I cursed loudly and snapped my head up to look. Much to my horror, there stood Remus with his arms folded, leaning against the wall by the hand driers. He didn't look pleased.

"H-how long have you been-!" I stammered. I was thoroughly embarrassed, but there was a chance he had just come in and hadn't witnessed my reaction to him.

"Well, you rushed off in a panic and I was worried so I followed you. Got here just in time for you to finish up," he replied, seemingly in nonchalance, but in his voice were hidden undertones of malice and his eyes were dark and emotionless. He pushed himself off the wall and stalked towards me. I didn't realize I was backing up until my back hit the cold tile wall. Before I could move to the side, Remus was right in front of me. Something dark radiated from him and I found myself trapped in his aura, paralyzed. Remus placed his arms on either side of my head, invading my personal space and pushing our bodies together. I gasped when I felt his arousal, hard against my thigh.

"What are you-!" Before I could finish my sentence, Remus grabbed my chin and lifted my face until it was level with his own.

"You know, if you wanted a release you could have just said so," he said, his face a breath away from mine. Something in his stare made me shiver in in anticipation, fear, and…. _What was that? Pleasure?!_ His face was the very definition of calm, but deep in his eyes sparked an untamed anger.

"What do you mean by that?" I asked in a voice that showed him exactly how shaken up I was.

"Don't play dumb with me!" he growled and he ground his hips into mine. I bit my lip t keep from gasping again as my cock gave an interested and entirely unwanted twitch.

"What?" I said.

"What were you just doing Sev? Were you not touching yourself? Maybe you were thinking of me," he smirked and I felt the blush creep up my face.

"No! T-that was…" I stammered. He ground himself against me again and I couldn't stop the cry from escaping me. "Stop!"

"No," he said calmly. "I'm not going to." With that he bit my lip hungrily as he continued to press himself against me. My body reacted on its own and my hips bucked into his advance. I moaned, half in frustration at myself, and felt him smile at my distress before he covered my mouth with his, stifling any noise. His hand made its way up to my hair and he wound his fingers in the strands, tugging lightly. I gasped and Remus took the opportunity to explore the inside of my mouth with his tongue. Despite my conflicting urges, I reciprocated his kiss. He kissed me until I was dizzy and the grinding of our hips fell into a steady rhythm. My mind was in a fog, but a distant voice screamed at me to stop. He felt so good. After all this time, he still felt amazingly good and it felt so right despite—

Snapping to my senses, I pushed against his chest roughly. "STOP!" I yelled. Remus stilled his movements, but more from surprise at the order than actually following it.

"You want me to stop _now_?"

He loosened his grip on my chin and his hand fell from my hair. I felt the tears start to form, but I willed them not to fall as I looked him in the eyes. "How dare you. After what you did…"

He narrowed his eyes in confusion. "What?"

I pushed him away from me and hugged my arms to myself as if in protection. We sat in silence for a few moments before he tried to speak. "What are you talking about?"

I shook my head and began walking to the door.

"Wait, Sev, explain to me what's going on! What do you mean?" he asked, catching my wrist as I tried to walk past him.

I snorted. "As if you don't know." I faced him with the best glare I could muster on my face. "You disgust me. After showing up with _him_ , you have the gall to come onto me and even stoop so low as to attack me in the bathroom."

He shook his head but let go of my wrist. "I really don't know what you're talking about, Sev." I glared at him and he seemed hurt. "What did I do to make you hate me so much? You walked out of my life and you never told me why."

I stared at him. He looked so defeated. I wanted to reach out and comfort him like I used to. A sudden spike of anger colored my memories as I remembered why exactly I had walked out of his life. I felt the anger and hurt rise to the surface again, as if it was only yesterday I had walked these halls and loved this man. I sneered at him as the pain filed me. "What the hell are you playing at? Still think it would be funny to play with me? High school is over, Remus, grow up! Was bullying me really that much fun for you? I've had enough of you messing with my feelings. Just give it up!" I was practically yelling at him, but he didn't flinch.

"Look, Sev,"

"Don't call me that!" I snapped.

Remus was silent for a while and we just stood there, glaring at each other. I could tell Remus was thinking hard about something and when he finally spoke it was very calculated and careful, as if I was some crazed animal he was trying to soothe before capture.

"Look Severus, I honestly don't know what you're talking about. I don't remember doing anything with the intention of 'messing with your feelings', but I'm sorry if it seemed that way. Please, you have to believe me!"

"You… you honestly don't remember?" I asked weakly. "You don't even remember?! You lied to me! You swore you loved me, that it wasn't a joke or a prank, but you _lied_!" My anger rose again.

"What?!"

"YOU WERE IN LOVE WITH HIM!" I yelled.

Silence settled between us and I wanted nothing more than to get away from him. As I turned to leave, his voice stopped me. "What are you talking about?" he asked in genuine confusion. He sounded so hurt.

"The party," I choked out. "The start of the school year, senior year."


	8. Chapter 8

_"_ _Hey Sev?" Remus asked one day. We were lying in the grass at the local park, watching the clouds float by in the sky. It had been hot over the summer and we had spent almost every day together or with Lily. School would be starting next week and we weren't sure if we'd have time to be together for a while with trying to adjust to the Senior workload we would inevitably be getting._

 _"_ _Yeah?"_

 _"_ _I know you don't really like parties, but I was wondering… Sirius is throwing one at his mansion while his parents are out of town for the weekend." He hesitated. "Maybe…. Well, maybe you'd want to come with me?"_

 _I looked at him. "Are you kidding?" I asked as flatly as possible._

 _He chuckled, but I didn't miss the disappointment in his voice when he said "Yeah, kinda figured you'd say that. Its alright if you don't want to. I understand. I mean, he hasn't been the best to you and just because he's my friend doesn't mean you have to like him,"_

 _My laughter interrupted his rant and he looked at me in surprise. "Remus, I would love to go with you!" I said. "I don't care about Black. I just want to be with you." I snuggled against him and he smiled down at me._

 _"_ _Alright. I'm gonna let him know you're coming as my guest. He won't appreciate it, but he should know what's going on between us. He'd find out eventually anyways, what with us spending so much time together. He's not stupid." I snorted at that, and Remus gave me a look. "He's not, Sev. He's been asking James and Lily where I've been for a while. He'll be less upset about it if I come out and tell him than if he catches us in the act."_

 _I raised an eyebrow. "Act?"_

 _Remus smirked and kissed me lightly. "You know exactly what I mean, Sev."_

 _I smiled. "Why don't you show me?"_

 _12 Grimmauld Place looked quiet from the outside, but as soon as I set my foot over the threshold, the music pounded into my skull and the bodies were packed from wall to wall. Bright colored lights flashed, making it seem like I'd accidentally stepped into a nightclub rather than a Senior party. I had come alone and planned on meeting Remus at the house because he had been asked to help set up with Sirius so they could talk. About us, presumably. Most everyone there was a friend of the Marauders, and all of them were people I didn't know. It was safe to bet they were all Gryffindors, save for the occasional Hufflepuff and Ravenclaw mixed in, but I seemed to be the only Slytherin. That didn't come as all that much of a surprise. Gryffindor and Slytherin never seemed to get along, and friendships between the people of those houses were rare. Gryffindor was friendly to everyone save Slytherin, and Slytherin kept mostly to itself, limiting the interaction with those outside their house. If forced to mingle, they usually preferred the company of Ravenclaw._

 _No one seemed to notice or care about me as I made my way through the rooms, looking for Remus. I wanted to know how things with Sirius had gone, despite my hunch that it hadn't gone well. I didn't think it would have, considering who it was we were talking about. Sirius seemed to have an unfathomable hatred for me and I wasn't quite sure why. Not that I'd ever ask him because that would more than likely end in a session of "Let's Beat Up Snivellus." I wasn't sure I'd ever find out. I hated him because he hated me, but I was willing to put that aside for Remus. I doubted I'd get the same kindness from Sirius._

 _I continued to duck into doorways, through and around the impossible number of people, looking up and down for Remus. When I started to lose hope, I caught sight of a familiar mop of unruly, black hair sitting alone on the stairs._

 _"_ _James!" I shouted to be heard over rap song blasting from the speakers. I'd never cared much for this type of music or large crowds of people. James must have heard me, turning to look at me and giving me a nod. I made my way over to him._

 _"_ _Hello, Snape. What can I do for you?"_

 _"_ _Where's Lily? I'd have expected her to be with you," I said, sitting down on the steps beside him._

 _"_ _She saw some friends and went off to get a drink. An alcohol free one." He tipped his cup to me. "What about you? Didn't you come with Remus?"_

 _"_ _No, but I was supposed to meet him here. Have you seen him?"_

 _James shook his head. "Last I saw he was in Sirius' room having a chat. Neither of them seemed too happy."_

 _I could imagine. "How long ago?"_

 _"_ _I don't know, maybe an hour or so? I can show you what room if you want, but we'd have to wait until I can spot Lily and tell her where I'm going. Wouldn't want to leave her alone at something like this." James said before taking a swig from his cup._

 _That startled me a bit. Even though James and I had put our differences aside for Lily, it still surprised me when he cared. It had never occurred to me that he could be anything but rude. "I agree. Thanks."_

 _We sat there and watched the party. Several people came up to talk with James and I got a few stares._

 _"_ _Hey," James said after a while. I looked over at him. "You're good for him."_

 _"_ _What?"_

 _"_ _Remus. You're good for him. He never really… fit in with me and Sirius. Not that we didn't want him too, but he was never that type of guy. Sirius and I, we joke around a lot. Remus isn't like that. He's more like you." He smirked. "Well, minus the hot headed idiocy."_

 _"_ _Hey!" I said._

 _James ignored me and continued. "He always seemed kinda sad and lonely when he was with us. When he got partnered with you on that history assignment, he was all worked up about you being a prat and not letting him work on the assignment properly. Ranted on and on about it. One day he was worried about failing the assignment, and the next he thought you hated him. It seemed to bug him, you maybe hating him. He wouldn't talk about it with Sirius and I. Then all of a sudden, he seemed…. happier. Sirius and I didn't know what happened and Remus wouldn't tell us. He started spending less time with us and more time with you and Lily, and eventually I found Lily crying by the lake. She said you'd forgotten her and she'd been replaced by Remus. She was happy for you, but it still hurt her." He glanced at me. "I'm still mad at you about that by the way. That's no way to treat a friend, regardless of what's going on in your love life."_

 _I bowed my head. "I know. I'm still upset with myself. I never want to hurt her."_

 _James seemed satisfied with my response and finished with his story. "I knew Sirius wouldn't be happy about you two, but I was honestly glad he found someone who could make him smile. If you ever hurt him, I will end you."_

 _I stared at him. "Duly noted."_

 _Silence sat between us again, but it wasn't long before Lily came bouncing over with a friend and James told her we'd be back. He led me up the stairs and down the hall to a door marked 'Sirius Black' in bold lettering. Without knocking, he opened the door._

 _And then shut it quickly. He turned to me, his face pale._

 _"_ _What?" I asked. "Not them?" I assumed we had barged in on a compromising situation due to James' pale, embarrassed face._

 _"_ _No, it's them but…. I don't know, you might not want to go in there right now."_

 _I narrowed my eyes. "Why not? If Remus is in there, I should go."_

 _"_ _All I'm saying is that might not be the best idea right now. You should catch him when he comes downstairs." James stood in front of the door and folded his arms._

 _"_ _Why? What's going on?" James wouldn't meet my eyes. Something was going on. I narrowed my eyes. "Potter? Step aside."_

 _He looked at me guiltily. "I'm sure it's just the alcohol. Don't freak out…"_

 _"_ _Get out of the way!"_

 _James reluctantly stepped aside. I walked to the door as quietly as possible. James looked like he wanted to stop me as I opened the door. The room was dark and two figures sat in a chair, huddled close together. Too close together. My eyes adjusted to the absence of light and I recognized Sirius and Remus. My eyes widened as I saw Sirius lean in and kiss Remus fiercely. I heard Remus gasp and he wrapped his arms around Sirius' lean form as Sirius slid his fingers under the hem of his shirt. I felt my heart break and my anger and hatred filled me. Slamming the door closed, I turned and walked purposely towards the stair. James hurried after me and grabbed my arm._

 _"_ _Snape, I'm sure it was a mistake! He wouldn't do that to you, he was intoxicated-"_

 _"_ _A mistake? You know as well as I do that Remus doesn't drink like that!" I snapped, wrenching my arm from James' grasp._

 _"_ _Snape-"_

 _"_ _No! Don't try to make excuses for them. I've heard enough. I saw the evidence. I'm leaving."_

 _James' eyes narrowed but he let me run. And I did. Lily shouted something to me as my feet carried me swiftly out the front door, but I didn't understand or stop. Tears fell from my eyes and sobs escaped my throat, even as I tried to keep the pain inside. Remus had betrayed me! He lied! He never cared about me at all. It was Sirius he seemed to care for. Well, now they wouldn't need to worry about me getting in the way._

 _I spent senior year avoiding Remus and Sirius. I couldn't look at them. James and Lily tried to comfort me, but nothing worked. I threw myself into my studies and ignored everyone's efforts at consolation. In a year I'd be gone. High school would be over and I wouldn't look back._

 _It wasn't worth it._


	9. Chapter 9

Remus stared at me in shock. "I… I don't recall any of this."

I shook my head.

"That explains everything- why you avoided me, why you kept glaring in mine and Sirius' general direction all the time." He seemed hurt, though I'm not sure why. I was the victim in all of this. As I looked at him, my anger began to subside slowly. He really hadn't known.

"Exactly how pissed were you that night?" I asked. I would have been amused if I hadn't felt so betrayed all these years. This was never a situation I had envisioned myself starring in and I had the sudden urge to chuckle.

Remus groaned and rubbed a hand over his face. "I don't even know! Trying to think back, there's just this blank spot in my memory…. But, why would Sirius have…?"

I snorted at that. What was he playing at? "What do you mean 'why'? His reasons were quite obvious to me and I wasn't the one he with his tongue down my throat."

He looked at me sharply. "I honestly don't know, Severus. But it wasn't what you thought it was. Honestly! Back then, we were never…."

"Back then? Only 'back then' you were never a couple? Thank you, Remus, that's very comforting. Now, if you'll excuse me, I wish to see my godson's graduation ceremony." My anger bubbled up again and I made to move past him again.

"That's not what I meant! Severus-" He made to grab my arm but I pulled it to my chest before he could reach it. I put on my best sneer, the one that scared all my chemistry students when one dared to talk back to me or disrupt class. It didn't disappoint. Something flashed through Remus' eyes - fear? Shock? Hurt? – and he pulled his arm back before speaking again. His voice was low and pained as he said, "Sirius and I have never and will never be anything more than friends. Even if he were to have feelings for me, I can't see myself returning them. Whatever happened that night," he gestured with a hand, "was a mistake. An accident. I know that doesn't sound like anything more than an excuse to you, but that's the truth. I don't know what happened but I'm going to talk to Sirius and find out. Maybe he'll have answers."

"If what you say is true, don't you think he would have told you something? I would say he might have offered an apology, but that's isn't really something he does, is it?"

Remus paused. "You're right," he said, narrowing his eyes. "Something isn't right about this. He'd better have a good excuse for keeping all of this from me."

"I'm sure he doesn't, but you're going to believe it anyways."

Remus looked slightly offended and opened his mouth before simply shutting it again, choosing not to say anything. _Wise choice_ , I though solemnly.

I walked out of the bathroom, Remus followed slightly behind me. Together we made our way back to our seats and I sat down without a glance at anyone. Out of the corner of my eye I saw Remus lean over and whisper to Sirius. They both looked pointedly in my direction, but I ignored them and tried to focus on the ceremony. They had just announced the last of the 'N's. I planned on leaving as soon as I saw my godson walk off stage with his high school diploma and putting this disaster of an evening behind me. By tomorrow, my life would be back to normal- meaning no more Remus Lupin. After tonight, I'd never have to see him again. I'd never have to face the feelings I had for him. A small pang of sadness went through me but I shook it off. I'd be better for it, if I never saw him again. If I never thought about him. I just needed to honestly believe that…

A voice cut through my thoughts. "Malfoy, Draco."

A cheer went up from the row in front of me. They always insisted not to clap until the entire ceremony was over, but no one ever followed that rule and no one ever enforced it. So we yelled and clapped and cheered, along with other clumps in the stands. Even Remus and Sirius gave a polite round of applause as Draco strutted across the stage in his flashy green and silver cap and gown. He looked over at the crowd and caught my eye. I smirked and bobbed my head once to acknowledge his obvious questioning glance and give my approval. With a large smile, Draco walked to the front of the stage and pulled something out from under his robe. With a yell, he threw the object up into the air and a shower of sparks in every color imaginable exploded over the crowd to wide eyes and 'ooo!'s and 'ahhh's. He bowed low and elegantly before being swatted off stage. I could see Lucius smirking slightly.

I leaned over to say my goodbyes and Narcissa asked, "Leaving so soon? Stay! I'm sure Draco would love to visit with you more, Severus. He hardly sees you."

"No," I said, shaking my head slightly. "Trust me, it's better if I leave now and avoid the scene that's bound to happen if I were to stay."

Narcissa glanced at Remus who was getting up from his seat and walking out into the isle, followed by Sirius. Now was definitely the time to head out. I frowned and Narcissa regarded me sadly. "You could give him a second chance. You were young. You both made mistakes."

"Maybe so, but I'd rather not risk it."

"That's your problem, Severus. You _never_ want to risk it."

"Goodbye, Narcissa. Give your son my regards." I responded as pleasantly as possible. She patted me on the arm and I got up and began making my way out. I walked down the stairs to the first floor and was almost at the doors when I heard Remus and Sirius talking.

"Why are you so concerned with what happened? It was years ago, Remus! Let it go!"

"I just want to know what happened. You know I can't remember for the life of me and when I asked you about it, you said nothing happened. You said I just drank too much and fell asleep. I believed you, but a recent source of information told me what you said was a lie."

I should go. I knew I should just continue walking out the doors and not look back. What did it matter what happened all those years ago? It wouldn't change anything. Some things were never meant to work out, and Remus and I had just gotten a bad deal. We were too different. Although those reasons were true, my curiosity got the better of me and I quickly hid around the corner from them, just close enough to hear.

"What, you're gonna believe what _he_ said about it? Remus, come one. I'm your friend. Can't you just trust me?" Sirius said, laying a hand on Remus' shoulder.

"Why won't you tell me?" Remus asked, shrugging him off. "I do trust you, you know that. But if you've abused that trust- even if it was a decade ago- it's time to deal with the consequences. Sirius, please. I lost Severus because of that night. I'm begging you, please tell me!"

I could never have resisted if Remus had looked as desperate as he did now. Apparently neither could Sirius. He sighted and rubbed a hand over his face. "You were never supposed to find out."

Remus snorted and rolled his eyes. "Obviously, otherwise you would have been honest with me."

Sirius chuckled ruefully. "I suppose that's true." He paused. "You know I never liked him, right? He was a sleaze. You could have done so much better, so why'd you stick it out with him?"

I saw Remus smile softly. "Because I was happy. I loved him."

"I knew what was coming when you asked to talk to me before the party. It might not seem like it, but I'm smarter than you think. I wasn't as in the dark as everyone intended me to be. I noticed things. Not like it was that difficult to figure out, you guys were obviously more than friends. You never spent time with me and James anymore because you were always with Snape. I figured I needed to scare him off and I had my opportunity at the party. I knew you'd invite him, so I drugged your drink. I had Peter as a lookout and when Snape arrived, I carried you upstairs to my room."

Remus' expression had changed rapidly throughout Sirius' explanation. At first he looked like he was willing to forgive him, but now he looked like he was one step away from tearing Sirius limb from limb, his hands clenched into tight fists at his sides. I felt the exact same way. _He was drugged? By Sirius?!_

Sirius seemed to notice because he stopped. "You know the rest. I'm assuming he told you."

"You… drugged me?" Remus asked with barely controlled anger.

"Yes."

"A-and then, you..?"

Sirius hesitated. "Yes."

Remus snapped. "What the hell?! Why would you do all of that? You knew how much he meant to me!" Remus took a step forward and yelled in Sirius' face. He was livid.

"I'm sorry, Remus-"

"No you're not. Don't lie."

"I can fix it! I'll tell him it was all my fault."

"Haven't you done enough?" Remus spat and began to walk away. He was walking right towards me.

Sirius was quiet before replying, "He didn't deserve you, Remus."

 _What?_

"What?" Remus growled, stopping and looking over his shoulder at his friend.

"I said he didn't deserve you. Remus, there were plenty of people who wanted you and you go and choose some slimy, good for nothing _Slytherin_ for god's sake! Honestly, you could have at least picked someone with more of a spine. He left with his tail between his legs. I swear he was just looking for an excuse to run."

I jumped out from my hiding place in time to see Remus punch Sirius in the jaw hard enough to knock him to the hard marble floor. Remus straddled him, fists flying while Sirius tried to protect himself. Both of them were yelling. I'd never seen Remus so angry before! Never angry enough to beat the living crap out of someone at least. He was always on the sidelines when it came to this kind of thing, yet here he was with Sirius at his mercy. Although his 'mercy' didn't seem to be present. In that moment I knew the amount of time that had passed seemed to catch up to me. Remus had changed. Gone was the smiling young teen with perfect grades and gentle hands. His eyes had a feral glint and his lips were curled back in a snarl, bearing his teeth like some sort of animal. Under his calm exterior something had snapped. It had snapped a long time ago, and I hadn't been there. The pain in my chest that had sprung up as soon as I had seen him tonight pierced through all the anger and hurt I had held onto for so long. It was time to let go, for both our sakes.

My legs carried me towards the pair of them before I realized. "Remus, stop!"

My voice was small, even to my own ears, almost like a frightened child. Remus didn't seem to hear. Steeling myself, I grabbed his fist when it wound up for another hit. "Remus, STOP!" He turned to me and I had just long enough to see the blind rage in his eyes before his fist flew into my face sending me sprawling to the floor. I hit my head hard and everything stopped. It was like the whole world had been put on pause as my vision went white. Pain shot through my body. Slowly, my vision came back but everything was out of focus. I heard the distant applause from the ceremony and both Sirius and Remus' heavy breathing. Sirius was lying motionless in a bloody mess on the floor with Remus beside him. At least they weren't fighting any more. I groaned and sat up. The world spun and I held my head in my hands and closed my eyes.

"S-severus?" I heard Remus whisper. I opened one eye to look at him. His face was pale and his expression was pained. I winced and got up, swaying a bit. Remus was immediately at my side, holding me upright in a tight embrace. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry," he whispered in my ear, the words sounding like they were being torn from his throat. "I'm so sorry."

I pulled back to look at him, intending to tell him off, but the look of utter despair in his eyes stopped me. My heart broke along with my resolve. Without thinking, I pulled his face towards mine, closed my eyes and kissed him. _I'm sorry and I forgive you and please stop hurting and I love you I love you I love you so much…_ I tried to tell him with the kiss but when I opened my eyes Remus was looking at me and I realized I had said it out loud. I felt my cheeks flush slightly before Remus pulled me back in and pressed his lips to mine. His bottom lip was split form a punch Sirius managed to land on him but they were so soft and warm and inviting that I found myself wanting to stay that way forever, nothing in my senses but his lips on mine and his arms around me. I felt his body melt into mine as he sagged against me, as if his anger had drained all of his energy. We pulled apart and I stroked my hand up and down his back as he sobbed into my shoulder. Sirius looked at us and got up. He wiped the blood from his nose with the back of his hand and then walked out the double doors.


	10. Chapter 10

"Here," I said, handing Remus a cup of black tea. "Drink this."

He took the cup from my hand and slowly brought it to his lips, taking a long sip. I sat beside him on the couch and looked around the room. We were sitting in his living room, and I was struck with how strange it was to be there. After Sirius left, Remus had continued to cry on my shoulder until I had shaken him off. Deciding he was in no state to drive himself home, I offered to give him a lift back to his place. Now here we were, sipping decidedly bitter tea and having cookies. From what I'd seen of the house, Remus wasn't well off. In fact, most of the structure was in some state of disrepair. His living room was messy, scattered with books and papers of all sorts with odd trinkets and memorabilia on shelves and in cases lining the wall. The furniture was old and threadbare, as was the rug underneath which did little to keep out the chill of the bare floor when you put your feet down. Most everything was drab and well used. The living room lead off into the kitchen where the wooden cupboards were mostly empty, as I had discovered while making tea and scavenging for any available snack food. The fridge was stocked with beer and the fix ins for sandwiches, but not much else. His dishes were chipped, the designs were faded and the utensils were all slightly bent out of shape. It was difficult trying to find a mug that was fit enough to hold water. I could only think what he must go through every morning for a simple but necessary cup of coffee! It made me wonder where he was employed that seemingly paid so little, because it didn't seem like Remus spent a pound on anything other than the bills to keep himself in the house.

Remus seemed to notice my curiosity as he said, "I don't have time for much around here, so I apologize for the mess."

I waved a hand at him. "It's fine. Not like I'll be staying for too terribly long at any rate."

This seemed to startle him. "What do you mean? You're more than welcome to stay."

"Why would I?"

"Well, now that you've forgiven me for something I didn't even know I did, I thought we could… talk. You know, about what happened and stuff, like what's been going on in our lives. Catching up!"

I regarded him suspiciously and said, "Why would I want to do that?"

"Because. I just thought…" Remus deflated and hid his face in his mug. "Never mind, I guess not."

We sat in an awkward silence for a while before I couldn't take it anymore. He looked so… dejected. I heaved a sigh.

"What do you want to know?"

We spent the rest of the night and early morning talking. I told him about graduating collage with a Masters in Chemistry, and I told him about the death of my parents. Remus laughed about almost getting married to one of his old school acquaintances, Nymphadora Tonks, until her eccentric mother had chased him off and forbade him to speak with her, and about how he couldn't hold a job for more than a year. It turns out Remus had been virtually always unemployed, which surprised me. Back in high school, he was always the one everyone thought would make it, and here he was in a rundown old house with shabby furniture and broken dishes. Who would have thought. He mentioned being part of James and Lily's wedding, meeting Harry for the first time, and how hard it was living without them. I told him I was ashamed of not being a part of the best moments of Lily's life, despite my grudges.

"Not a day goes when I don't think of her and how much I miss her terribly. I kick myself when I think about my childish reasons for not being there with her and not even meeting her only son until almost eighteen years later! I really was a horrible friend to her." I said, then taking a gulp of my tea to keep from speaking more. My betrayal of her wasn't something I liked to talk about.

Remus only nodded and placed a hand on my shoulder. "She missed you too, you know. All the time. She was happy with James and after Harry was born, she claimed her life was the best it could get, but there were times when she'd just look of into the distance, or she'd see something that reminded her of you, and she'd sit there with a sad smile on her face, thinking of you. It broke James' heart, and if he was still alive, he would have kicked your arse."

"Kind of how like you kicked Black's?" I asked with a small smile. He grinned at me and replied, "Worse, actually."

Eventually we both drifted off to sleep, and when I woke Remus was gone. There was a hastily scratched note on the table next to the couch in his handwriting saying,

 ** _Severus,_**

 ** _Gone grocery shopping and will bring home breakfast. Please stay. You can borrow clothes and take a shower if you'd like._**

 ** _Remus_**

I smiled and stretched. A shower did sound nice, although if his bedroom was anything like his living room, I doubted I would enjoy having to scavenge for clothes like I did last night's snacks. Oh well.

I made my way down the hall, opening doors as I passed and trying to find Remus' bedroom. It wasn't like he'd given me a tour yesterday. I finally managed to locate both the bathroom and his bedroom, both were surprisingly clean. Cluttered, yes, but not messy like the rest of his home. I walked over to his dresser and opened the top drawer. A book lay on top of the socks, like it had been thrown in in a hurry. It looked familiar but I couldn't place why. Shaking my head, I closed the drawer, with the thought that sharing briefs was a line I'd rather not cross, and opened the one below it. I pulled out an old looking black shirt and a pair of sweats, then headed to the shower. As the water cascaded down my body, which ached from sleeping in an awkward position on the couch all night, I thought about how this would make for a good plot for one of my novels: the old flame, the misunderstanding, talking through the night and waking up to breakfast. All that was missing was the makeup sex, but I figured I should count that one out of the real life scenario. Although my dick was twitching happily at the thought, I didn't think I was ready for that. Remus and I still needed to work through things, and even through the saying _'making up for lost time'_ did have its appeal, we were missing too much of each other's lives for it to count as anything other than a mindless fuck. That I definitely wasn't ready for.

I turned off the water after washing my hair and dried myself. After drying my hair, I threw on the borrowed clothes – the shirt was a bit too tight and the pants a bit too short – and exited the bathroom. I found Remus in the kitchen in front of the stove where a pan of bacon and eggs were sizzling away. He smiled nervously at me and flipped the eggs.

"I heard the shower, so I just assumed I should make for two.," he explained.

I nodded. "Thanks. Hey, where do you store your coffee? I'll make a few cups."

"Oh! There, in the cupboard by to the coffee maker. The one below!" He said as I reached for the top one. I stopped and bent over to peer inside the lower cupboard and heard a sharp intake of breath from behind me. I turned around. _What?_ I questioned silently, cocking my head slightly and raising an eyebrow for emphasis. Remus flushed and turned away. "Umm, not to be weird or anything but… are you going commando?"

I felt myself blush to the tips of my ears. "Y-yeah. I kind of thought it might be strange to borrow a pair of briefs. Sorry."

"No, it's not a problem. I'm sorry you felt awkward about it." Remus said, turning the stove off and grabbing two plates and filling them both with bacon and eggs.

I dipped my head in thanks as we sat down on the couch to eat. _Maybe I really will use this as the base for a story. I'm supposed to start on a new one by the end of this month,_ I thought as I munched on a piece of perfectly cooked bacon.

"So," Remus started, "will you be staying long, or do you need to… rush out?"

I swallowed the food in my mouth. "I really should head out. I've got some work I need to do."

Remus hung his head slightly. "Oh. Okay."

I paused for a second before saying. "When will you be over to get your clothes? Or would you rather I brought them back here when I get the chance?"

"Either works."

"Then why don't you come over next week for them?"

"Okay. Sounds good."

"And then we could go for a few drinks." It wasn't really a question. Remus looked at me, clearly confused.

"What?"

"Yeah," I said, shrugging, "There's this nice little pub a few minutes away from my place. The alcohol's cheap, but it isn't bad. The food's pretty good too." I spared him a glance before saying, "How does that sound?"

Remus practically beamed at me as he said, "That sounds great, Sev."


End file.
